Life and Everything That It Is

Well, the holidays are upon us, and I am spending my 3rd set of holiday's without my family back in Georgia. It makes it hard being so far from them. Especially around the holidays, but I am learning to make Utah home. Little by little it is becoming more and more of a place that I love. We are looking at buying a house, I have a wonderful group of friends here, and more importantly this is where my boys are. Paul has been back from Iraq for about a month and a half, and it has been wonderful. But we are back to our normal schedule of him coming and going all the time even when he is in the states. Kenneth has officially turned 1, he's walking, trying to articulate words of all kinds, and he's getting so independent! Our Luna is almost 2 now, and she is starting to calm down a little, finally! She's a good dog. So I guess that I really have a ton of what I need here! As long as I'm with my boys I'm good!

I am about to start the first job that I've had in 2 years! I'll be working at the daycare in the gym that I go to a couple of days a week! And the best part of it is that I wil still be able to be a full-time Mommy! Kenneth can go with me and it's free for him to be there. I'm really excited about it, it's a little extra money, half off my daycare on the days that I go and work out, and half off my gym membership! I whould be starting as soon as my background check come back from the UBI.

On December 12th Paul and I leave for a cruise to the Carribean for a week and a half with his Dad and Sister. Kenneth will be staying here. I'm going to miss him, but it sure will be nice to be a wife for a week instead of a wife and a mom. i've never been on a cruise, but I'm excited to go! Julian got us balcony suites!

So over all life is going well! I will miss the friends who are moving, but will be making new ones, so all balances out!

5 Down, 25 To Go!!!!!

I'm so proud of myself, I lost 5 pounds in my first week of Farewell to Fat! I cut out soda, and I'm trying to eat more.... yes I said more.... I realized that the reason that I wasn't losing weight in the first place was that I was starving my body... not intentionally, I just was. I was so sporadic with eating that I would unintentionally skip meals. But even now I'm struggling to eat more than a 1000 calories a day. I'm really keeping track, and even when I'm not hungry I'm forcing myself to eat a snack of fruit or nuts. The nutritionist told me that that was the best thing to eat to add calories that weren't empty. I'm pretty excited about all of this! Who thought that by eating you would lose weight? Not me, but wow is it nice! I haven't kept myself from eating anything that I wanted, I've just made sure I didn't eat to much of it, but that I did eat. I could really get used to this!

In other wonderful news!!!!! I am only 8 pounds away from my pre-baby weight! Finally it has literally taken almost a year to do it, but I have! So hopefully by the time that Paul gets home I will be about 5 pounds under that weight!

Last night after I weighed in, and between the class times I took a spinning class.... and let me tell you today I am itching for something to do on my feet because it hurts to sit down on my butt! Ah the things that we do for good health! Now if only this cold would go away!

Farewell To Fat!

Tomorrow begins a competition that I entered at the gym I go to. It's called "Farewell to Fat." It's an 8 week competition to see who can lose the most weight. We get trainers to work with, and we are on a team with 4 other people, the goal of course is to lose as much weight as you can in 8 weeks. They have this specialized formula to find the percentage of whatever they are looking for so that it is a fair competition. I'm REALLY excited about it, if there is one thing that I have always thrived on it's competition. So tonight I had my last hamburger and soda for 8 at least 8 weeks. Probably longer, because once I try to bring them back in I'll probably get sick from looking at them!

Anyway wish me luck at being the skinny woman that Paul married again!

Breaking Heart For Hurting Friends

When we get pregnant with our first child all we can think about is the perfect little baby that we will be bringing into our home. How he/she will have 10 little fingers and 10 tiny toes. How we will watch our baby grow and progress, from their first smile, laugh, time rolling over, crawling, sitting up, walking, talking. We never think immediately about what could go wrong with that child. All we see is a perfect gift.

Last year when I met Crystal she had just found out that she was pregnant and I was getting close to delivering Kenneth. She was 18, newly married, in the greatest time of her life because she was able to get pregnant despite doubt from doctors. She was full of questions, of excitement, of hope and faith that everything would be fine. Then when she hit the third trimester it seemed like little Sidnee wanted to come out long before her due date at the end of May. She was in the hospital for what I think was about two weeks with them trying to stop her contractions. She suffered through the pain trying not to take pain medicine that could potentially hurt her baby. She was a trooper! While there they gave Sidnee steroid shots to help develop her lungs in case she came early so that she would stand a fighting chance. Sidnee cooperated and didn't come out before she had "fully cooked" being born on May 30th as a perfectly healthy baby girl.

She was however born with a bump on the top left side of her head. They told her that it was nothing to worry about. Now almost 4 months later after having a brain scan yesterday her young parents have been told that their perfect little girl has a brain tumor, and that she has a hemorrhage, and that she has had some bleeding on the brain.

What do you say to your friend who often calls for parental advice when she tells you such devastating news? How do you console her? How do you show optimistic support without seeming to play down the seriousness of the situation? How can you tell her that everything will be okay, no matter what the outcome? They are so young, and they have felt so blessed to have a baby against the odds, and now they have been devastated by news that their 4 month old will have to have a major brain surgery and/or risk permanent brain damage. Even if you aren't a praying person, give it a try for this little family. They could sure use the love and the prayers lifted on high for their little Sidnee. I just pray that God will bless them with the comfort that only He can give them. This is so heart breaking.

PICTURE EXPLINATION: These are pictures that Kristy and I had done of us and the boys on Monday. They turned out so cute!

I am finally back in Utah after a wonderful month back in my home state of Georgia! I have never been so happy to see my son's bed in my whole life! He slept all night, he was happy to do it, and as soon as I put him to bed he just laid down and went to sleep! Tonight didn't even take a bottle! And today he only had one bottle! Could it be that I will soon break him of the bottle? He wouldn't take it at all today, he ate like such a big boy! This morning he had Activia Yogurt and Cheerios for breakfast (I am trying a more natural approach to dealing with the stomach issues that he has, we'll see if it works, at least he loves the taste of it!), then for lunch he ate Chicken and Carrots Ravioli's with a cup of whole milk and a couple more Cherrios, and then for dinner tonight he had a jar of carrots mixed with oatmeal and the rest of his Chicken and Carrot Ravioli's with water and a bite of Mommy's taco! You might think that this is a stupid thing to write about but there are a couple of things that I have realized lately. I'm going to call it, "You know you are a parent when..."

1. You don't remember what a warm meal tastes like for trying to feed a baby that you can't shove food in to fast enough.

2. You get a full night's sleep and wake up the next morning more tired than if you had had to get up 3 or 4 times.

3. You catch yourself talking about bowel functions at the dinner table and it doesn't ruin your meal.

Ah how I love being a Mom! Oh and I think that I have found the perfect PT "job" for me!!! Needles don't bother me at all. AND did you know that people still pay you for blood platlets? $55 bucks if you go twice a week here in Utah.. That's 22.50 an hour. So I will be contibuting to my family's financial stability by giving platlets. If nothing else that will allow us to go out to dinner as a family or save for Christmas. I'm excited about it. And the best part is that while I do it, I won't have Kenneth so I'll donate while watching a movie or taking a nap! What could be better?

Over the Hills and Thru the Woods,

YEP!!! To Our Grandmas' houses we have gone. Utah is a distant memory at the moment full of nothing but my house, friend's, normal life, and my "first born" (my dog). I can't deny that i miss Utah a lot, and I wish every night that it was my bed that I was crawling in instead of someone Else's guest bed. Something about my 4 months old mattress that is waiting on me back at home just shuts down the competition.



We spent our first week with my side of the family. I know that it did my grandmother's heart really good to have someone else in the house. She was so cute, she would get down on the floor and play with Kenneth just like she did 24 years ago with me. Seeing her play with Kenneth seemed to have taken 20 years off her body. I can't imagine how lonely it must be in the house to have all of us girls off and married, and for Papa to have passed on. I get tired of saying prayers with only a 10 month old, she has only herself to say them with.



I amazed me at how easily Kenneth took to all of my family. It was almost like he remembered them all. He will crawl up to them, lift up onto his knees and then lift his arms strait up for them to pick him up! He especially did that with his "Great-Mawmaw". He would push me away, and go for them. It is beginning to give me hope that when his Daddy gets home that he will do the same thing with him.

After a full week with my side of the family I went to Paul's Parent's house. We have had a really good time here. Kenneth got to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa, and he also got to spend time with his First Cousin's Jeremy and Taylor. He also got to meet all of his Aunts and Uncles from his Grandma's side on Saturday and Sunday at the two family reunions that we went to.



Over all, everything has gone great! We are having a blast, even after almost 2 weeks of being here, and though I can't wait to get home, I am happy and content here for now. I have been able to go to the gym a lot. I bought a one month membership in Athens and I went there while I was with Mawmaw, and Tom has an amazing gym that he goes too, and it's free for me to go as his guest. SOOOO I have taken full advantage. So at least I haven't gotten fat and lazy, like I could because it's a vacation! Yea me!

Wednesday morning I leave for Norfolk, VA and will be there, without my baby, until Sunday. Kenneth will be with Paul's Mom, and I'm sure that he'll have a great time, still I can't help but think of how far away I'll be. It will be difficult, but I think that it will be a great vacation! I am feeling so relaxed! This trip has been far better than I expected it to be!

Because My Husband is More Important

Recently I have learned the hard way what a slip of a tongue can do to your husband's work environment. Women have always been the same, we get together and gab about anything and everything that we can think of. Sometimes amongst all of it the information being transmitted gets blurred. You could say "I drank a soda yesterday and it gave me terrible gas!" Then someone one says, "Oh when I drink soda I get an awful stomach ache with diarrhea!" Then someone else says, "Oh it makes me puke!" Next person, "I hate puking it reminds me of when I felt bulimic during my first few months of pregnancy!" And the conversation continues, by the time that the women are talking to their husbands it has turned into, "Hey did you know that Jennifer is bulimic, and that she purges even if she's only had soda?" You think I joke, and this scenario is, but unfortunately a lot worse has happened.

And politics, anyone who thinks that politics isn't in military, surely hasn't met someone who is in the military. It governs our entire life! When we first joined I was warned that I shouldn't hang out with higher ranking Airmen and Officer's wives. That it would only lead to trouble for my husband. I was stupid and young and didn't listen. And a month ago it all blew up because of a situation similar to what I discussed above. I always thought, until now, that there was no need to heed that advice because Paul and I are good people, we mean no harm, I just need friends who's husband's do the same job as my husband! The only problem with that is that Paul is the only married "young" Airmen. (He's actually older than a lot of our Staff Sgts) So to have friends in the wives group of our shop, I have to break those barriers. So I did, stupidly I did.

I love these girls! They have been my best friends since our husband's left in April. It is because of them that I have felt as alive as I have for as long as I have. I didn't know that I could feel that way without Paul around. And yet hanging out with these women has made everything easier on me. I can honestly say that until 5 weeks ago this deployment felt like a breeze. And it has all been thanks to them, and their support, and their company.

But after a rather nasty situation that ALMOST caused the first official fight in my marriage, and could have potentially ended an innocent Airman's career, I have had to withdraw from my support group, and leave the three of them on their own to have fun without me. What was said doesn't matter, all that needs to be said is that Paul's working environment has been a lot harsher because of this situation. And because my husband's happiness while in a war zone is much more important than my own to me, especially since he is currently in a war zone, I am finishing the last 65 days of this stupid deployment on my own.

I'm not completely alone, I know that. I have plenty of other friend's but none of the ones here understand what it is like to be an EOD wife. They have different scripts to read to us at Family Support Centers. They don't say, "Your husband will be fine, he'll be inside the wire." They say, "Your husband is good at his job, the Army Infantry will be there to protect your husband while he does his job." My husband's job can't be done inside the wire, he knows exactly how it feels to strap on his Kevlar and be outside of the nice barriers.

And I have family, but they can't fully understand either. The saddest lesson that I will bring out of this deployment is that no matter who starts it within a group, the higher ranking officers are never going to punish themselves or their spouses, it will flow down to the lowest ranking of the bunch. And until we are older, that will always be my dear, sweet, innocent Paul. Life was so much more simple in Kindergarten. The only drama that we knew was the soup opera that we created within the lives of our Barbie dolls. Can we revert back to that?

Praise Allah!

(I love this picture of my oldest "child"! She was in heat, [didn't mean to let her get there] and she bled pretty bad, but there was about 3 feet of snow on the ground, so we bought the diaper things, but they were a little too small, so we took Kenneth's diapers and used them as a side band and taped them on. But she pulled it off, so we took a pair of my maternity shorts and cut a hole for her tail and taped those to her over the diaper. I don't know if it was because they were the same color as her or what, but she never tried to take them off, she wore them for about 2 days. [not straight!] This was December 07)

It never fails, military families come through for one another! The joy that is radiating through my body at this very moment is immense! In the military we tend to take care of our own. If some one is deployed and your husband isn't, chances are that you will see your husband mowing their lawn as it is needed. If a Mom needs a break while a husband is deployed, then you offer to keep their kids, or get a babysitter too, so that they can have a relaxing night of enjoying remembering what it is like not watching Aladdin, or one of the other million Disney movies. We make sure that everyone is okay, no matter what the situation.
I've known that I was going home in August for a month for about 4 months. Throughout all of this time I have been trying to find someone to keep my hairy "child". (AKA Luna) I have over those 4 months had several people say, "Sure! It's not a problem, you can count on me!" Only to have it turn in to, "I'm sorry I just can't handle a dog that big!" (Luna has been 70 pounds for about a year now, they knew how big she was when they agreed the first time!)


So with only 3 days before Kenneth and I get on a plane to Georgia, yet another family backed out on me and I began to freak out. Then I called my visiting teaching companion and told her about our appointment for Tuesday evening, and she said, "What are you doing with Luna while you are gone? Do you need someone to keep her?" (REJOICE!!!!!) I told her that indeed I did. And she said that they will be trying it out with Luna at their house, but that if that doesn't work then they will bring her home and let her run in my backyard during the day and then feed her and put her up in her kennel at night! I'm okay with that! As long as I know that my dog doesn't starve to death while I'm gone I'll be happy. I was afraid that I was either going to have to cancel the trip, or pay money that we don't have to a Kennel for a month. But I don't want her in a Kennel just because she would be locked up in her crate all day! At least at home she can run and play all she wants, and bark at the dogs in the back yard all she wants! I am so thrilled it's ridiculous!

I went to the Commissary tonight and bought her another 40 pounds of dog food just to make sure she has plenty. Inflation has hit dog food! I guess that it should though, if we are paying more for us to eat rice, then it should be the same for lamb and rice for dogs as well, but geez! Early Spring I was paying 25.00 bucks, now I'm paying 40.00 a bag at Petsmart and 33 at the Commissary (which is why I bought it there!).

But anyway I also bought her a way cool self-waterer bowel, it has a hug 3 gallon jug on the top of the back of the bowel that constantly replenishes her water as she needs it. I know, I know, simple things make me happy. But hey, at least I'm happy!

Sewing Machine Blues! & Scholar Husband!

(This picture was too cute not to share! This morning he was so happy because he got Cherry Puffs for breakfast, and every time that I looked at him he was grinning from ear to ear, so I had to have a Kodiak moment with it!)

Yesterday I went to use my sewing machine and all it did was beep at me, and I still have no idea what is wrong with it. And Singer's Customer Service isn't open again until Monday morning. But I need to make another baby blanket before Wednesday, and while I think that if I can get it working that that won't be any problem at all, I just worry that one of my squadron families will have to wait until I can do it at home and send it to Col. Kossler through the mail. I wanted to give it to her myself! It's really quite sad I think! I've tried all of the stuff that it mentions in the troubleshooting section online and in the manual. I just don't understand! I've only had it 2 months! I hope I didn't ruin it!



On a lighter side, Paul started college this past week! I'm so proud of him! He is going to American Military University mainly because IT'S FREE!!! And because it's a military college he is able to use government computers to do his work where ever he is. The will ship books anywhere in the world to where he is. Anyway, he is writing his first paper, and I have to say though he thinks he sucks as a writer, I have read his work and it is really good! If he completes even and associates degree he will be the only one of his Dad's children to complete college. His sister on his Mom's side has a law degree, so she is ahead, but that's okay, she's considerably older than Paul! He's so smart!

In update on my Ouchness, I am feeling much better, I have turned my workout regiment to legs, and arms instead of abs for a few days and my pulled ab muscle seems to be thanking me with a lot less pain than I had the other day! Yea! And last night when I went to a birthday party for a friend's kids I was complimented on how much weight I've lost. I don't know how much I've lost, I'm afraid to step on a scale, afraid that it won't be as much as I would like! But at least I know that some of the awful flab is disappearing!

Ouch and Oh My Gosh!

For about 8 hours now my body has been revolting against me either for something that I did at the gym, or over something that I ate. I have the worst pain in my stomach that I have ever had, and I have had a kid, so I know pain! I haven't found anything to help it yet. But chances are the Red Lobster for lunch didn't help anything, though I wasn't feeling bad before hand. And I haven't really gotten sick, I'm just in a lot of pain from it. I almost had someone come get Kenneth for me, but I decided that I needed to be the one taking care of my child.

As for my little guy, I went to the bathroom today and left him in the living room like always. All I had to do was pee, so it wasn't like he was left alone for more than a couple of minutes. When I walked out of the bathroom my child had climbed up to the 4th step on my stairs! I couldn't believe that he could do it, infact a friend and I discussed that today and I said that he couldn't. Well he sure proved me wrong! So we had to go out and get a baby gate for the stairs tonight. Now he is sleeping, and I'm going to follow suit VERY soon, I think we both feel like crap tonight!

Also, did you know that American Airlines is now making you pay for every checked bag? $15 for the first bag, $25 for each additional bag! Luckily though, the carry on is still free, and so is the stroller and carseat. So I have figured out what I have to do, I will put all of the clothes that I am going to take with me on my body that way I won't need a suitcase for me! That way I just need to take Kenneth's clothes! Seriously folks, for less money I can send my stuff to my grandmother through UPS. Isn't there something incredibly rediculous about that? I think so!

Dragon Flies, Worms, and Bumblebees!

I am so stinkin' pleased with myself! I finished my very first baby blanket! It's a baby blanket for one of the wives in my husband's squadron! Recently I became the keyspouse, and when I asked what they did for new Mom's (knowing that the answer was nothing because I received nothing.), I got a blank stare. SO my first thought was diapers, butt creme, and wipes. Ask the girls for donations, buy each one for about 25 bucks. Well, then I got to thinking, everyone likes different kinds of diapers, butt creme, and wipes, AND they are great and welcomed, but they get used and thrown away. So I nixed that idea.

While at my favorite store in the whole wide world, JoAnn Fabrics, I stumbled upon the flannel section... and suddenly these really cute baby fabrics popped out at me! Then I looked at the price and about choked! 5.99 a yard! Then a lady next to me mentioned that there was a fabric store just down the road with really cute little girl prints on sale for 1.99 a yard! So off to this place I went to check it out. Immediately I knew that making baby blankets would be an awesome way to show the families that the Squadron cares for them. SOOOOO I bought a bunch of material. Because there is always someone pregnant in the Squadron, ALWAYS! All the fabric that I need for one blanket costs less than 6 Bucks! You can't beat that!

So I made my first one tonight. It's for Helen's little girl! I can't wait to give it to her tomorrow! I hope that she likes it! Tell me what you guys think!

One Cheeseburger, caffiene free coke!

(The picture is me just getting back from the gym, so the oiliness of my face is acceptable, just showing how exhausted I am! That and look! You can see my collar bone again! I'm making progress, finally!)

Yesterday I was constantly busy, I kept 3 of the 4 of my friend Wendy's kids while she took her oldest to the dentist, then I had some errands to run, a WIC appointment (thank goodness for WIC it saves me so much money! $150 a month just on formula!), then I insisted that since I couldn't go to the gym yesterday morning, that I would not be missing Nicole's Cardio N Abs class at the gym. Nicole is beyond a gym Nazi of a teacher. But that is probably why I hate missing her class. She pushes you, and you always leave exhausted! We ran a mile, luckily not all at the same time, but total we ran a mile. At the gym that I go to it takes 9 laps to make a mile. She would have us run 3 laps at a time, then go back to the room and do 5 minutes of jump rope... you know I remember when jumping rope was fun, and easy... but that was when I was 5 and I weighed 50 pounds or so. At 24, and way more weight than I'm willing to mention, it is not easy nor is it fun. BUT you burn so many calories jump roping that I aught to buy one for the house. Then she had us run the stairs at the gym 3 times, do a ton of weird abdominal things, and we did a whole lap of nothing but side squats. Anyway, so I left the gym and went home. Along the way to my house is a plethora of fast food restaurants, and really good curbside-to-go type restaurants. All the way driving down this particular road with the windows down none the less, I could smell each of my favorite restaurants, I could taste the "guiltless" chicken sandwich from Chili's, the Hawaiian Chicken Rice bowel from Rumbi Grill, but more than anything else I could smell the burgers at Burger King. Suddenly it was like I was pregnant and in the craving stage again. I wanted a Whopper (something I wouldn't normally ever want) and a HUGE cup of Coke! I resisted the urge and went home only to find that nothing in my house looked even remotely tasty.





My friend Shaena called and asked how I was doing, and the first thing that I blurted out was, "I want a Whopper and a Coke, I'm going to die if I don't get it, but I"m just going to have to die because it is completely out of the question for me to have it!" She started laughing, and said, "I made hamburgers for dinner do you want one?" I thanked her for the offer but told her that I didn't want her to make the quarter mile trip up the street to my house to give me food that their family could use. I told her I would probably be opening a can of soup because I needed to watch my calorie intake. So I get off the phone with her and then 10 minutes later while I'm out in the garage to get hamburger meat out to make Hamburger (Fattening) Helper, I see Shaena pull up in my driveway, and in her hand was a Turkey Burger, and Jalapeno Doritos with a Caffeine Free Coke! If she were my husband I would have kissed her, so since she's not I instead gave her a hug, and let me tell you, that was the best hamburger that I have ever had. It was healthy, it was from one of my bestest friends, and it fixed my craving! Shanea is my hero.





So on the whole subject of eating right, why is it that the expensive stuff that is the microwavable health food is the only ones that are good? Why can't they make cheap good tasting microwaveable stuff? I can't tell you the last time I turned on my stove. With Paul gone it's just easier to eat out or nuke something. But, I just got back from the gym about 20 minutes ago, and I bought this chicken penne pasta stuff, for about 1.75, and it's only 210 calories for the whole bag of it, but it is disgusting! Seriously! I hate it! The dog sniffed it and walked away, it's that bad! I've never had it before, but will definitely not be partaking again! It taste like Chef Boyarde Beef Ravioli, but it's a broccoli chicken! That alone is enough to make me not want to eat ever again! I think I'm going to throw it away and just have a granola bar for lunch. Hopefully my dinner will turn out better!

All I Think About is You

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it will be like when Paul comes home. I can't wait for that day! I dream about it everyday, I think about it constantly, and yet amongst all of the excitement for him to come home there is a lot of fear as well. During the last 3 1/2 months I have provided and been everything to a little boy. Is Kenneth going to understand that Mommy needs to divide her time between him and Daddy in 2 1/2 months? Or are we just going to have a constant battle for attention on his part? Will Paul understand that it is hard to break the cycle of only taking care of Kenneth? Will he know that I don't mean to do everything for Kenneth myself, that it is just what I'm used to now and it's hard to step back? Will I still be attractive to my husband? Will he see the obvious aging that comes with the stress of being a single parent? And is there really any facial product out there that takes the wrinkles and bags away? Will I ever loss this stupid baby weight so that I look like the sexy woman that he married 3 short years ago? Will everything be different and weird? Is he going to be a stranger because of all of the things that he has done and seen? Will he have a shorter temper? Will I? And most of all how do you make up for all of the lost time? I have a husband who will be coming home in October, and I fully expect him to be gone by this time next year on another deployment. How do we make up for time in a career field that constantly takes Daddy away? Is it by going on vacation, or just shutting ourselves inside our house for weeks? Is it in visiting family back home, or concentrating only on our tiny little family within the walls of our home? Is it by trying to keep things going as normal as possible, or stopping all normal activity?

Unfortunately some changes are going to be obvious, he left with an infant, he's coming home to a toddler. Before he left there were bottles to wash, when he gets home bottles will be a thing of the past, not to be seen again until our next child. he left with an optimistic house wife, he comes home to a wife who heading up the spouses group, and who has become cynical despite her best efforts to avoid it.

I think about one of my favorite songs, and I long to have it come true, but the older I get the more I understand that perfect fairy tales only exist in animated Disney movies. We love to watch them, and we love to dream about what our life would be like if they were true, but what those movies don't depict is that in real life there are fairy tales, but there are just little blips along the way that put those fairy tales on hold for a little while. I love my husband, and I can't wait to have him home! We live a fairytale when he's home, but he's just gone so much! If it's not a deployment it's a TDY, so even when he's home he's not really home. And yet every minute that I get to spend with him no matter what we do is perfect because I get to see his face. I'm hoping that in 2 months when he is home with us again, no matter how short the time, that we will be able to pick up with our fairytale, to spend our time "making up" for the time that we have lost.

Landing In London: (3 Doors Down)

I woke up today in London as the plane was touching down.

All I could think about was Monday maybe I’d be back around

If this keeps me away much longer I don’t know what I will do

You've got to understand it’s a hard life, that I’m going through

And when the night falls in around me I don’t think I’ll make it through

I'll use your light to guide my way, 'Cuz all I think about is you

L A is getting kind of crazy New York's getting kind of cold

I keep my head from getting lazy I just can’t wait to get back home

And all these days I spend away Ill make up for this I swear

I need your love to hold me up when it’s all too much to bear

And when the night falls in around me I don’t think I’ll make it through

Ill use your light to guide my way, 'Cuz all I think about is you

And all these days I spend away Ill make up for this I swear

I need your love to hold me up When it’s all too much to bear

And when the night falls in around me I don’t think I’ll make it through

I'll use your light to guide the way Cuz all I think about is you.

Sesame Street Tears

Today I took Kenneth to his first play. The USO brought Sesame Street Live to base, and the tickets were free. I honestly expected it to be more for me than Kenneth because he is still so young. But NO not my son, he was standing up in my lap dancing and jumping to the music! He never ceases to amaze me!

The show is the one with Elmo and Friends that helps children cope with deployment. It wasn't 5 minutes into the show before I found myself tearing up. As I looked around though there were other Mom's getting teary eyed too. So I officially feel like I can say that I have cried at everything at least once. A children's play, geez, I'm getting soft!

So now I am completely melancholy and I feel like sitting down in my floor and crying the rest of the night. But I won't because then my dog would lick me to death.

In other news, my dog thinks that helium balloons are the devil. Kenneth got one at the show and it is floating around my ceiling now that Kenneth is in bed, and my dog will not cross under the balloon to go and get water. She just sits at a distance and growls at it. It's really quite humorous, it's one of the first forms of laughter I've really had today. I wish that I could get her to do it while I have the camera on, but she just wants to sniff the camera.

Most days I'm fine. But today I'm just done with this stupid deployment. I'm exhausted, lonely, and we're all adults so I can say it... I'm horny! It's been 90 some odd days, and I am tired of being sexually deprived for America's freedom! In two and a half months there will be a do not disturb sign on my door, my kid will be with a sitter, and I will get to remember how good it feels to be a woman! Can't wait!

Playgroup workout!

I had every intention at about 10 AM this morning to go to the gym that I pay for. I was so excited I was going to have 2 hours of daycare so i wouldn't have to run after a little one! Those moments are really the highlight of my day lately. When you are a "single" mom and you are a stay at home mom on top of that, you long for just one minute away from your child. I think he does too though! But anyway, I get there and I circle the parking lot several times hoping that I'm going to find a parking spot without having to park at the High School with no success. Then on to the High School Parking lot, also no success. So with a gloomy disposition I took Kenneth with me to the Mother's Gym on base. I don't usually like taking him there because the last time that I did a kid jumped on his head. But it is nice to have a spot where we can go FOR FREE and try to work off the baby flab. For about the first 30 minutes Kenneth did great, then he got hungry so I shoved a bottle in his mouth. After that he was not happy with being "behind bars" while Mommy was on the outside jogging on the treadmill. So I slowed to a walk and held him for the next 30 minutes while I walked on the treadmill. I almost think that I got a better workout that way.

At 11:15 one of the girls from my Ward came in, and my first thought was, "She so can't work out here! Her baby is a month younger than mine, and I have worked my butt off to no avail, and here she is waltzing in here with skinny jeans only weighing 60 pounds soaking wet! I don't think so!" Then she told me that she was there for a play group that meets every Wednesday. So tired of holding Kenneth I joined them and actually had a rather enjoyable time. Kenneth only biffed it once, they gave me good advice on the whole cut finger issue, and I got to know a couple of other "new" mom's.

So recap, workout = partially successful, playgroup = very successful. Here's hoping that I can make it to my daycare gym tonight!

Strawberry Apple Puffs You Are My Hero!

There are days where i am just absolutely ready to pull my hair out with this new found joy of crawling! Kenneth is in to everything!!!! Literally everything. Two days ago he thought that it would be fun to stick his fingers into the carbon monoxide detector and cut his finger after it got stuck! I couldn't get to him fast enough to keep him from pulling his finger out. My first thought was, "Oh crap! He's going to need stitches!" Yeah, I over reacted, but this is the first time that he's ever really gotten hurt. And then my second thought was, "There is blood on my carpet! I'm going to have to pay to replace it! Housing is going to love this!" Then my next thought was, "Chill out apply pressure and get it to stop bleeding!" So after getting my wits about me, partially because I called Shaena and she told me to calm down, I found some gauze from the handy dandy first aid kit and held his finger, which was a task in itself because he was not very happy about having restricted movement, until finally the bleeding had subsided. Once it stopped I realized that he was fine, that he had just pulled back a couple layers of skin... don't get me wrong it looks awful, but no stitches were needed. After a few failed attempts of keeping a band aid over it, I resorted to just cleaning it several times a day. After the initial pain that he felt he was fine... back to crawling, pulling up on everything. It just cracks me up that he is so excited about this new world that he has discovered. But at the same time it makes me feel even more that I need a break. And as terrible as it sounds I can't wait to get to Georgia to have free babysitting!

This morning as I woke up... way too early in my opinion because I was up way to late trying to catch up on laundry, which I'm still not done with. (How in the world am I ever going to get it all done when we add Paul's on top of it in 2 1/2 months when I can't keep up with it now!?!)... Anyway, I woke up to my child standing in his bed whining, "Maaaaaaammmaaa!" (That is the only time that he says my name, only when he's mad or wants out of bed. He jabbers Dada all the time happily, but my name is only associated with whining.) So I got up and determined that I was getting at least 10 more minutes of sleep, put him down on the floor in his completely childproofed room and let him play for a little bit. I LOVE THE BABY GATE!!!!! But alas I only got about 5 more minutes before I got tired of the whining and brought him downstairs for the morning. It was after 8 anyway, I was lucky to get to sleep till 8. So downstairs I put him on the floor in the living room, surrounded by tons of his toys that clutter my living room now (there is no mistaking that we are parents when you walk in my house), and went to feed the dog. I hear the pitter patter of little knees and hands speedily coming towards the laundry room (Luna's Bedroom) and then crash! He turned the dogs bowel full of food over, and proceeded to think that it was his! I caught his hand just in time to keep him from partaking of the dog food. But the poor dog had wait while I put all of her food back in her bowel. I really feel bad for Luna, she's having to wait until I can distract Kenneth long enough to keep him from getting into her water bowel to get her water. But she won't drink it if I put it outside. So nap time and the occasional moment that he will sit in his exersaucer or jumperoo is the only time that she gets her water. (She is such a good dog, she puts up with everything, and still loves us!) So after getting into several other things I finally put him in his walker and put some cereal puffs on his tray... it has occupied him this whole time, and for once I was able to blog about stupid little frustrations. With no husband at home to vent these to it sometimes gets too overwhelming. I love being a Mom, but I just wish that I didn't have to go through 6 month stints of being a "single" mom! Thank you Strawberry Apple Puffs! You are my hero!

Our Life

I have been told by friend's for a while, that this is a great space to enter updates on your life so that we can all stay connected. Even across the country. I thought that I'd give it a try!

As of now my husband, Paul and I have been married for 3 years, we have one handsome little guy named Kenneth who is almost 9 months old to call our own, and a 18 month old Black Lab named Luna. We are a military family dealing with deployment at the moment. I find myself grateful every day that we are Air Force and that it seems to be an act of congress, literally, to have Paul extended beyond 179 days of deployment, when so many of my Army friends deal with 12-15 months at a time. Still it is not easy, my husband is no ordinary Airman, he is part of a special team of guys who disarm IED's called Explosive Ordnance Disposal. He likes to joke and say that he is a Military Garbage Man, and thinks that it's cool that he gets payed to blow stuff up, and take things apart.

Paul hit his half way mark today, today is 90 days on the ground in Iraq. Only 90 more to go before a plane has to take off with him in it headed back to the West. I have learned a lot about myself in the last 3 months, but there isn't one life experience that I've gained that I would freely give back to have one second to hold him right now.

I consider myself blessed to have a great support network, even though military politics sometimes come between us. My biggest support through this deployment has come from a Staff Sergent, Technical Sergent, and Captain's wives. They have been there, and they are there again with my husband as we speak, and yet at times I feel as though there can be no real trust. But that is life when you have women as friends unfortunately. But I really don't know how I would have survived without them. We have made 3 months fly!

Kenneth has grown so much since his Dad left. When Paul left Kenneth wasn't rolling over, he wasn't talking, crawling, or cruising my furniture, he wasn't eating table food, he wasn't pulling up, or even sitting up. He was significantly smaller in stature, he was just beginning to reach out to us for us to pick him up. Now it seems as though over night he has blossomed into a toddler leaving infancy behind. All things that sadly his Daddy only gets to see through the 30 second videos that my digital camera will allow. How often I tear up as I see Kenneth doing new things that Paul won't get to first hand experience with Kenneth. How often I wish that instead of a babysitter once a week that I could instead hand him to his Dad for a few minutes so that I could have a minute to myself!

The sacrifice that military families make are not always so severe as the life of a person, but it is mostly in missing the little moments that they would hold so dear if they were here. It's little boys, looking at pillows with their Daddy or Mommy's pictures on it pointing to it and saying Daddy, with the spouses who are left behind trying to hard to embed their deployed parent into their little minds so that they don't forget. It's in watching their child take their first step, speak their first word, crawl for the first time, scare their Mom (or Dad) to death because they figure out how to pull up when the crib is on the top setting, have their first experience with finger foods, ride their first tricycle, learn to ride without training wheels, etc. All of the little things that most of us take for granted everyday.

A couple of weeks ago Paul said, "Do you know what I miss the most?".... his answer was, "Touching. Shaking hands, holding hands, hugging, kissing..." and he continued on. Tomorrow I will go to Church and I will probably shake a lot of hands, but where my husband is it is all salutes, and attention. No one will shake his hand. Tomorrow I will go in Kenneth's room and grab him under the arms and pick him up, like I do every morning and give him a big hug. Paul will only get that if something goes terribly wrong and someone is severely injured. And yet knowing all of this I still find myself taking every day for granted. How selfish it seems.